Long Time No Bloggin'

I've been meaning to get here and do some blogging for weeks, the time's flown by and with one excuse after another, I've not been posting. My Lala seems to be MIA tonight so no yapping with her, I suppose my excuses have run out.

Some very exciting things have happened in the last few weeks. On 7/3 I had a long talk with Dad, he was working, so there was no Clytie in the background piping in every 2 seconds. It was sooo nice to just be able to talk to him alone. During our conversation we were talking about their wedding and how he doesn't want to get married in a church, because he's about as atheist as one can be. Soooo with that opening the door for me, I popped out of the broom/Pagan closet, and was replied to with "well shit, I coulda told you that long ago". Why is it that any time I have some concern about telling him something in my life, he's super cool and open about it?? Gotta say My DADDY ROCKS! On 7/14 I took the GED exam and passed with flying colors! I was way over prepared to say the least. I'm really excited to get registered for college classes in the next couple of weeks!

Laura was up this past weekend, we had a great time as always. Saturday, after Craig left, we went to Sun and Moon and stocked up on some goodies, then toodled about town. Had some late night crab cakes.. yummmm! And spend Sunday hanging home and checking out fabric at JoAnns. All in all, a fantabulous weekend.

Now I've got the crafty/creative bug! I've spent the better part of the last 2 days pouring over Ali Edwards and Elsie Flannigan's blogs in search of ideas and inspiration! Hopefully my mood will continue into the weekend when I've actually got some free time to work on somethings!

Jumpin' Jehosephat?? And Other Things I Don't Understand

Okay, here's a question.. why Jehosephat, and why is he jumpin'? Second question for the evening, Why is it that my dear darling wonder dog Kinsey feels the need to munch on grass outside and promptly upon returning to the great indoors horf it up all over my freshly made bed? Now I fully understand why dogs eat grass, and that's all fine and good, but WHY throw it up on my bed, and no where else ever but my bed? Now lookie what I just found, should one of the cats horf up a furball, I can proudly display one of these numbers to warn any pedestrians of what they're about to step in.

My third and probably final question for the evening.. is more of a pondering really. So I just made a pot of vegan stuffed peppers (no animals were harmed in the stuffing of said peppers) I used Morning Star Farms Sausage Style Crumbles, and my favorite new whole grain Bulgur :o) I was wondering why a vegan would want to eat something that tastes like and reminds them of meat? I'm cool with the whole concept of no food with faces, I couldn't do it, but hats off to those of you who can. I just know for me, some types of meat just gross me out, and I can't even think about eating them, smelling them, etc. without dry heaving. So I suppose this whole concept just confuses me a wee bit. Speaking of wee things, I should really take my wee brain and go study some, just 4 more weeks till test time :o)

Whoa Nelly

Great Googly Moogly! I'm a sleepy girl tonight. I had some rather grandiose plans for the evening, but decided to scratch them and try to actually get a decent nights sleep. I spent last night tossing and turning, either too hot, or just not comfortable until after 3am, This left me wanting to pull Craig's lips over his head when he called me at 7am to let me know he wasn't going into work until much later in the morning. There I was stuck dragging my sorry groggy ass out of bed to go to work all day.

Work was pretty boring, no good tales to tell for the day. I think I'm just going to take a shower, call it a night and catch some zzzzz's. (Yeah right, I'm sure I'll have my head stuck in my math book before I actually go to sleep). Forty five days till test day, gotta be ready!

WhodaThunkit?

I don't know what's gotten into me as of late. I'm wondering if it's my age catching up with me, making me really sense my place in life, or if I'm just feeling a bit stuck where I am currently. I'm feeling the overwhelming need to start making improvements all around. First we have my quitting smoking (25 days and counting), going back to WW, and working out on a regular basis. Should those things not be enough change for me, I've now decided I want to go back to school in the fall.

See here's the thing. I've been working in my field for 17 years, but have yet to go to school and get my license. In all honestly, I've been fortunate enough to work in practices where I didn't actually need it. Alright, in brutal honesty, I've been either too lazy or afraid to go back to school because I feared I wouldn't do well. Due to complications that were partly beyond my control (I say partly, because I could have sucked some of it up and busted my ass rather than just say fuck it) I never finished high school and never went to get my GED. I'm not really proud of any of this, but I was young, quite rebelious, and quite frankly, got off in having people tell me I wouldn't be able to do this than and the other because I didn't have a diploma, then going out of my way, above and beyond to show them not only could I do it, but I can do it better than many. Kinda my big "Oh yeah, well fuck you" to the world.

Now I find myself in the position of knowing that not only would I be able to make more money, but I'd also have many more opportunities available to me if I had my license. I'm also in the position of knowing that the OS program in my area only takes new students in the fall. Soooooo it's either now, like RIGHT NOW, or wait until next year to start. The program I'm interested in is a 3 year apprenticeship program. This means that I've really got to get my shit together, not just study for but pass the GED, then college placement tests then (given I don't have to take any refresher courses) interview with the head of the OS dept. and enroll by 8/31.

Just the thought of all of this makes my head spin, especially since what I remember about math couldn't even fill a thimble. The part that really gets me, is that all of the classes and labs I'd have to take, well, after 17 years, I know all that shit. It would take more out of me to just get into the program than I think the actual program itself would.

Well I'm off, just the thought of all this has me nervous and excited. I've gotta work tomorrow (yeccchhh) farkin' LUMP!

5 Pounds Lighter Chubby Girl VS. Roller Blades Day 1.

I went to WW this morning, and was happy to learn that my first week back on the program has paid off, I lost a whopping 5.4 pounds this past week. I was so excited about that, and knowing how much my working out has helped me to have that loss, that I jaunted off and bought myself a pair of roller blades, thinking that this will be great, I really want to work out more outdoors, but don't want to/can't do anything that's going to pound on my blown out knees. Mind you I haven't been on any kind of skates in almost 20 years. This idea of mine, well, lets just say, is about as smart as a box of hair!

On my first outing (cloaked from embarrassment by the safety of the darkness) this evening, I didn't even make it down my front walk to the sidewalk before wiping out and landing not just flat on my ass, but I seem to have stopped my fall with my right wrist. Seems my front walk has a bit more of a slant to it than I had anticipated. I got up, shook it off, and skate walked, if you can call it that, just working on my balance to the end of the block, turned around and made it back home without falling again. I don't think I did any serious damage to my wrist but it's not feeling so great, no bruises or scrapes or anything like that, just really sore and somewhat swollen. I won't let this little injury stop me from learning how to do this, but I think I'll let it heal up a bit before I try skating again. Worst comes to worst, I can always get some skates with 4 wheels. And maybe once my knees start feeling better, I'll get that bike I've been thinking about. At the rate I'm going though with re-learning all the things I used to do with ease, I might want to find a bike with training wheels :o) I'm off to ice and wrap my wrist and try and get some sleep.

Grumble Grumble Grumble

I'm in an incredibly foul mood this evening. Work has me utterly, completely, excessively pissed off. Better to be pissed of than pissed on you say?? Suck my ass would have to be my reply. Very mature of me, I know. Without getting into too much detail, I really can't deal with my office environment the way it is. Working with my bosses is like being the child of a bad marriage that you just wish upon a star would end in divorce (yep, I'm familiar with that life experience as well). I have the misfortune of being stuck in a "management position" (that's a fuckin' joke, in other words, I'm the only sucker who's stuck around long enough to get a title) yet, I'm given no authority to make any changes that are so desperately needed to make the workplace more cohesive.

I would sit here and evaluate the situation, but right now I'm still too pissed about it all. Maybe tomorrow, when I'm well rested and recharged.

Random Samplings

Some Haiku written in the winter of 2006-07

In her silver light.
I am embraced in the night.
Mother Moon and I.


Freshly fallen snow.
Blankets Mother Earth with cold.
New life springs beneath .


Waves come rolling in.
A constant dance with the shore.
Leaving gifts to find.


Fatal Affair (Written the last time I quit smoking)

My heart pounds, my head aches. I am going crazy inside. Thoughts of you have been going through my mind all day. Keeping me awake, overwhelming me with the desire to be with you just once more. I love you and hate you at the same time. I still wonder, would once ever really be enough?

I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to feel you one more time. The throbbing of my head and heart are incessant. I simply can not stop thinking of you. Of how it would feel to hold you in my hand, slowly roll you between my fingers, to have you slip slowly, silently, between my eager lips. To inhale and feel you dance and roll over my tongue. My skin tingles almost instantly, I feel the blood pulsing through my veins, and the dizzy light headed whirl that comes with each breath.

I ask myself "Is it worth it?" to stop this constant battle in my head, to finally end this fatal affair.

I loved you, and I hate you, and I won't let you be the end of me.


8/28/06

I thought of you today.
And I felt a twinge of guilt, because I missed your birthday on the 22nd, yet again.
I though of you today.
And wondered if you've ever been sad that you had missed mine over the last several years.
After all, how could you possibly forget my birthday, as it's the same date as your parents anniversary.
I thought of you today.
And for a second figured life it too short, we really should get together, catch up on lost time, it's really been too long.
I thought of you today.
And recalled our last conversation, and how in the midst of grieving the loss of your mother, it was still all about you.
I thought of you today.
I was in the shower, where I do some of my deepest, clearest thinking.
And suddenly, everything from the past 33 years (or as much as I can remember) came flooding back. The emotions coursed through me, as the tears fell hidden by the spray of the shower, they just kept coming.
I thought of you today.
And I was in mourning for the relationship we should have had, but never did.
I thought of you today.
And wondered if you ever loved me, even for an instant.
I hoped that you had, that was supposed to be your job after all.
I thought of you today.
And wanted to thank you for giving me life, despite your wishes, and for showing me exactly what not to do with my own child when I have one.
I thought of you today.
And in my head, reasoned that you have created your own existence as it is currently, and decided I shouldn't feel guilty about that.
I thought of you today.
You.
My Mother.
And again, felt everything, and nothing.