Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Note to self..

Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT wear new 4" heels to work on an 11 hour day!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Self Defeating or Self Destructive?

I have spent most of my life dealing with long term clinical depression, though I've only sought medical treatment on 2 occasions. On my last visit with my Dr. he encouraged me to either go to therapy, seek out a support group, or find some way to get my issues out in the open. So this will be my way.

There are often times where I question the vicious circle of the things that I do. I've never really put too much thought into these things until recently. I'm not talking about anything horrible or illegal, just things that I know better than to do. Smoking, eating things I shouldn't (when I'm on medication for high cholesterol, and high blood pressure, as well as having a great deal of heart disease in my family), not exercising anywhere near as much as I should. Just in general not taking care of myself. Sure I can do anything for a while, pull myself together, take better care of myself, that goes on anywhere from a few weeks to a few months, but for some reason I just don't seem to ever make it stick for good. Now here I sit, stuck with this question. Are the things that I do, that I know I shouldn't simply self defeating, because I've become lazy, even stagnant with the way that I've lived up until now. Or are my actions subliminally self destructive because I don't really like the person I feel I am at times. I guess it's something to spend the next few days contemplating.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Earth Day 2007

Waking up today, I heard the birds chirping, saw the sun shining through the blinds, felt the breeze blowing gently through the open window. I was elated! Today was going to be a good day. I got up, let Kinsey out, then jumped into my usual lazy Sunday morning routine. Get my coffee, call Craig, feed the cats, flip on the news, talk to Lala, and settle in to read some email. My big Earth Day plans were rather simple. I was planting some watermelon seeds, and re-potting some plants, cleaning up the backyard from all the littering my upstairs neighbor seems to do (grrrrrrr, I'm about ready to chuck an ashtray up on his balcony to see if he gets the hint). My simple plans for the day turned into so much more than I had anticipated. Not so much in terms of doing things, but in what I observed today.

For as much as I love nature, I don't find myself out in it too often. Today I made it my mission to spend time outside. I wanted to sense everything, from my bare toes in the grass, feeling the cool earth beneath my feet, the sun bright in my eyes, and warming my body, the gentle breeze blowing in my hair, the smell of the earth once again coming to life. I drug out my beach chair, got over my self consciousness, put on some shorts and a tank top and sat in the sun, just watching everything around me. I don't think that I've taken the time to do this in 8 years, since I lived in FL, and spent my mornings worshiping the sun. Today, I was entertained by the birds chirping and flying from tree to tree, scavenging up bits to build their nests, looking for mates. Squirrels, hopping from branch to branch in the trees. Little leaves at the very tips of the trees, reaching out and greeting the sun, growing stronger day by day. The dandelions and their sunny yellow faces dotting the lush green of the grass. I think for the first time, I really saw, and fully realized the importance of the wonderful circle of life that we all live and die by and Mother Nature provides. Today I learned what it really means to take time and smell the roses. To make it my daily mission to take time for myself, to get out and see the Divinity that is right outside my back door, to remember all of the beauty that is right there within my reach, because every day, the scene changes in it's subtle ways, until the circle completes itself again. Life is too short to be continually be caught up in the little unimportant things, and not take time everyday to celebrate all of the goodness that Nature gives us.