WhodaThunkit?

I don't know what's gotten into me as of late. I'm wondering if it's my age catching up with me, making me really sense my place in life, or if I'm just feeling a bit stuck where I am currently. I'm feeling the overwhelming need to start making improvements all around. First we have my quitting smoking (25 days and counting), going back to WW, and working out on a regular basis. Should those things not be enough change for me, I've now decided I want to go back to school in the fall.

See here's the thing. I've been working in my field for 17 years, but have yet to go to school and get my license. In all honestly, I've been fortunate enough to work in practices where I didn't actually need it. Alright, in brutal honesty, I've been either too lazy or afraid to go back to school because I feared I wouldn't do well. Due to complications that were partly beyond my control (I say partly, because I could have sucked some of it up and busted my ass rather than just say fuck it) I never finished high school and never went to get my GED. I'm not really proud of any of this, but I was young, quite rebelious, and quite frankly, got off in having people tell me I wouldn't be able to do this than and the other because I didn't have a diploma, then going out of my way, above and beyond to show them not only could I do it, but I can do it better than many. Kinda my big "Oh yeah, well fuck you" to the world.

Now I find myself in the position of knowing that not only would I be able to make more money, but I'd also have many more opportunities available to me if I had my license. I'm also in the position of knowing that the OS program in my area only takes new students in the fall. Soooooo it's either now, like RIGHT NOW, or wait until next year to start. The program I'm interested in is a 3 year apprenticeship program. This means that I've really got to get my shit together, not just study for but pass the GED, then college placement tests then (given I don't have to take any refresher courses) interview with the head of the OS dept. and enroll by 8/31.

Just the thought of all of this makes my head spin, especially since what I remember about math couldn't even fill a thimble. The part that really gets me, is that all of the classes and labs I'd have to take, well, after 17 years, I know all that shit. It would take more out of me to just get into the program than I think the actual program itself would.

Well I'm off, just the thought of all this has me nervous and excited. I've gotta work tomorrow (yeccchhh) farkin' LUMP!

5 Pounds Lighter Chubby Girl VS. Roller Blades Day 1.

I went to WW this morning, and was happy to learn that my first week back on the program has paid off, I lost a whopping 5.4 pounds this past week. I was so excited about that, and knowing how much my working out has helped me to have that loss, that I jaunted off and bought myself a pair of roller blades, thinking that this will be great, I really want to work out more outdoors, but don't want to/can't do anything that's going to pound on my blown out knees. Mind you I haven't been on any kind of skates in almost 20 years. This idea of mine, well, lets just say, is about as smart as a box of hair!

On my first outing (cloaked from embarrassment by the safety of the darkness) this evening, I didn't even make it down my front walk to the sidewalk before wiping out and landing not just flat on my ass, but I seem to have stopped my fall with my right wrist. Seems my front walk has a bit more of a slant to it than I had anticipated. I got up, shook it off, and skate walked, if you can call it that, just working on my balance to the end of the block, turned around and made it back home without falling again. I don't think I did any serious damage to my wrist but it's not feeling so great, no bruises or scrapes or anything like that, just really sore and somewhat swollen. I won't let this little injury stop me from learning how to do this, but I think I'll let it heal up a bit before I try skating again. Worst comes to worst, I can always get some skates with 4 wheels. And maybe once my knees start feeling better, I'll get that bike I've been thinking about. At the rate I'm going though with re-learning all the things I used to do with ease, I might want to find a bike with training wheels :o) I'm off to ice and wrap my wrist and try and get some sleep.

Grumble Grumble Grumble

I'm in an incredibly foul mood this evening. Work has me utterly, completely, excessively pissed off. Better to be pissed of than pissed on you say?? Suck my ass would have to be my reply. Very mature of me, I know. Without getting into too much detail, I really can't deal with my office environment the way it is. Working with my bosses is like being the child of a bad marriage that you just wish upon a star would end in divorce (yep, I'm familiar with that life experience as well). I have the misfortune of being stuck in a "management position" (that's a fuckin' joke, in other words, I'm the only sucker who's stuck around long enough to get a title) yet, I'm given no authority to make any changes that are so desperately needed to make the workplace more cohesive.

I would sit here and evaluate the situation, but right now I'm still too pissed about it all. Maybe tomorrow, when I'm well rested and recharged.

Random Samplings

Some Haiku written in the winter of 2006-07

In her silver light.
I am embraced in the night.
Mother Moon and I.


Freshly fallen snow.
Blankets Mother Earth with cold.
New life springs beneath .


Waves come rolling in.
A constant dance with the shore.
Leaving gifts to find.


Fatal Affair (Written the last time I quit smoking)

My heart pounds, my head aches. I am going crazy inside. Thoughts of you have been going through my mind all day. Keeping me awake, overwhelming me with the desire to be with you just once more. I love you and hate you at the same time. I still wonder, would once ever really be enough?

I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to feel you one more time. The throbbing of my head and heart are incessant. I simply can not stop thinking of you. Of how it would feel to hold you in my hand, slowly roll you between my fingers, to have you slip slowly, silently, between my eager lips. To inhale and feel you dance and roll over my tongue. My skin tingles almost instantly, I feel the blood pulsing through my veins, and the dizzy light headed whirl that comes with each breath.

I ask myself "Is it worth it?" to stop this constant battle in my head, to finally end this fatal affair.

I loved you, and I hate you, and I won't let you be the end of me.


8/28/06

I thought of you today.
And I felt a twinge of guilt, because I missed your birthday on the 22nd, yet again.
I though of you today.
And wondered if you've ever been sad that you had missed mine over the last several years.
After all, how could you possibly forget my birthday, as it's the same date as your parents anniversary.
I thought of you today.
And for a second figured life it too short, we really should get together, catch up on lost time, it's really been too long.
I thought of you today.
And recalled our last conversation, and how in the midst of grieving the loss of your mother, it was still all about you.
I thought of you today.
I was in the shower, where I do some of my deepest, clearest thinking.
And suddenly, everything from the past 33 years (or as much as I can remember) came flooding back. The emotions coursed through me, as the tears fell hidden by the spray of the shower, they just kept coming.
I thought of you today.
And I was in mourning for the relationship we should have had, but never did.
I thought of you today.
And wondered if you ever loved me, even for an instant.
I hoped that you had, that was supposed to be your job after all.
I thought of you today.
And wanted to thank you for giving me life, despite your wishes, and for showing me exactly what not to do with my own child when I have one.
I thought of you today.
And in my head, reasoned that you have created your own existence as it is currently, and decided I shouldn't feel guilty about that.
I thought of you today.
You.
My Mother.
And again, felt everything, and nothing.

Cinco de Mayo & National Scrapbook Day

Did I partake in either event, Uhhhm that would be a no Bob. Today was spent at work, then hangin' with See Dub. Big plans tomorrow for getting not just some scrapping in, but also making a delightful Mexican Chicken Fiesta of my own, consisting of Cilantro Lime Chicken with rice, and angel food cake with mango in simple syrup. Hmm and I wonder why I'm chubby. Not to mention always a day late and a dollar short.

Margret is supposed to be coming by tomorrow to finally start on her scrapbook for Lacie. To date only on one occasion have our planned outings actually taken place, so we shall see what tomorrow brings. Margret or no Margret, I have this NEED to do something creative. I have a ton of ideas of things I'd like to complete, but, I either don't have the time or the attention span to actually see them come to fruition. (Ooookay, sometimes I'm just a lazy ass). I have 2 quilts to work on, scrapping to catch up with, the art quilt I have an idea for in my mind, a few other ideas for story's that I'd like to one day write. In the meantime, I'll just keep thinking of everything I want to do, keep popping my nicotine lozenges and just be happy that it's been 6 days since I've smoked!

TGIT

Thank God it's Thursday! I'm more than ready for the day off tomorrow, even though it's filled with errands. I'm about beat from this week at work, today was a great day though.

On another note, I'm really doing well with my quitting smoking this go round. It does help a great deal that Craig and Margret are quitting too. So far it's been 4 days. Not really much else to post right now. I'm off to shower, slather myself in Faux Tan and loaf around a bit :o)