Monday, May 7, 2007

Random Samplings

Some Haiku written in the winter of 2006-07

In her silver light.
I am embraced in the night.
Mother Moon and I.

Freshly fallen snow.
Blankets Mother Earth with cold.
New life springs beneath .

Waves come rolling in.
A constant dance with the shore.
Leaving gifts to find.

Fatal Affair (Written the last time I quit smoking)

My heart pounds, my head aches. I am going crazy inside. Thoughts of you have been going through my mind all day. Keeping me awake, overwhelming me with the desire to be with you just once more. I love you and hate you at the same time. I still wonder, would once ever really be enough?

I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to feel you one more time. The throbbing of my head and heart are incessant. I simply can not stop thinking of you. Of how it would feel to hold you in my hand, slowly roll you between my fingers, to have you slip slowly, silently, between my eager lips. To inhale and feel you dance and roll over my tongue. My skin tingles almost instantly, I feel the blood pulsing through my veins, and the dizzy light headed whirl that comes with each breath.

I ask myself "Is it worth it?" to stop this constant battle in my head, to finally end this fatal affair.

I loved you, and I hate you, and I won't let you be the end of me.


I thought of you today.
And I felt a twinge of guilt, because I missed your birthday on the 22nd, yet again.
I though of you today.
And wondered if you've ever been sad that you had missed mine over the last several years.
After all, how could you possibly forget my birthday, as it's the same date as your parents anniversary.
I thought of you today.
And for a second figured life it too short, we really should get together, catch up on lost time, it's really been too long.
I thought of you today.
And recalled our last conversation, and how in the midst of grieving the loss of your mother, it was still all about you.
I thought of you today.
I was in the shower, where I do some of my deepest, clearest thinking.
And suddenly, everything from the past 33 years (or as much as I can remember) came flooding back. The emotions coursed through me, as the tears fell hidden by the spray of the shower, they just kept coming.
I thought of you today.
And I was in mourning for the relationship we should have had, but never did.
I thought of you today.
And wondered if you ever loved me, even for an instant.
I hoped that you had, that was supposed to be your job after all.
I thought of you today.
And wanted to thank you for giving me life, despite your wishes, and for showing me exactly what not to do with my own child when I have one.
I thought of you today.
And in my head, reasoned that you have created your own existence as it is currently, and decided I shouldn't feel guilty about that.
I thought of you today.
My Mother.
And again, felt everything, and nothing.

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